never related more to disposable girl than this moment lol. not doing the best, but it's a bunch of personal shit i don't want to air out publicly. just, not doing the best. don't be surprised if updates stagnate for a while. i doubt i'll be keeping this site maintained. im focusing on not making bad decisions rn

finally made a toyhouse... i gotta get more obsessed with my ocs. i've revamped two old characters to make them better, and i have tons of new ones that I really like. i need to make more art of nadia and todd to make their artfight pages which is gonna take a bit of time but.. ehhh? i can do it. mayne bot today but, i can do it.

makin ravioli. it's the little things (⁠ ⁠´⁠◡⁠‿⁠ゝ⁠◡⁠`⁠)

As my identity solidifies, I find myself lacking in things I used to consider integral. Emotions pass through my frame like I'm just a glass of water, distorting them and causing small refractions but nothing big enough to amount to a real change. I guess that's what I should've expected with treatment-resistant depression, yet I still find myself wanting something more from life than this.

People get frustrated with me so easily. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm just trying my best to be like them, but I always do something wrong. Maybe I'm not meant for this

AOughhhh things r SO STRANGE! I joined a new roleplay discord and made a bunch of new friends (alongside two new ocs and a revamp of an old one), but then I got dragged to florida for vacation where I got such bad flareups I'm STILL getting migraines from it.... god, I need a new rollator so badly. But, good news! My girlfriend helped me get one!! Everyone say, "thank you, Itztli's girlfriend"!!!! (❤ω❤) I'm so happyyyy I luv my girlfriend... Things are ok, generally, despite my physical health not being in the best spot right now :P

I started making an ita bag, AND I play Infinity Nikki a lot more now! Both bring me so much joy, and being able to play Nikki from bed is really helping me not strain mysekf too much and be able to put away the computer when I need one of my many many naps. I also got halfway through the new Ethel Cain album b4 I started hallucinating too much from it and decided to stop (to be fair I was also in a tub of water in the dark....). Hopefully I can get through the rest soon! I really like it so far, I think houseofpsychoticworm is my favorite, even over Vacillator (which is one of my favorite songs ever.). My MOGAI blog is up and running now, and I have been getting some fans of my flags, which is great! I always thought running a MOGAI blog would be fun. It feels recently like, even though I'm so tired, and I'm so incredibly bad at it, I'm still able to do things that wouldve made little kis us very, very happy to know we do. It's healing, in a way.

Welll I went 2 the hospital 4 a week T_T. Feels good to be out.

Things are weird. They always get like this. I got diagnosed with a condition causing my chronic pain, they said it has a chance of remission but that's usually when they catch it early, and considering I've had it for 5+ years,,, (ﾉ_ヽ)... but, whatever. There's some hope there. Supposedly upping the dose of my antidepressants will help the pain. I'm honestly doubtful they gave me the right diagnosis, considering they couldn't find a reason within it to explain my odd movement and lack of coordination/neurological issues =_=.... buuuut doctors are Always Right or whatever. I'm starting a pain management thing soon, and if it doesn't work I'll probably be sent to a pain program. SIGHHHH! This is sucks !

Woaw.... crazy things happening. As I'm typing this I'm going low, my blood sugar seems to be doing that a lot lately? It's a bit upsetting, especially considering my problems with eating and how low blood sugar means I literally have to eat or else I could dieლ(¯ロ¯"ლ),,,. Anywayyyyss... going 2 an in-person school again sometime soonish. Very nervous. I haven't been in over 2 years ish now because of my physical disabilities and my mental health but I need to go back bc online just Is Not Working anymore o(TヘTo). I have a whole complex plan in place to make the transition to school easier, but I'm still incredibly nervous... Im not a 'normal' person, and I don't know if I'm gonna meet anyone who likes hanging out with people like me? Not to mention the school I'm zoned to has a bad violence problem... WHATEVERRRR it's fine. Totally fine. Things gotta work out, they just have to.

I'm so tired. Physically, mentally,,, all of it, I think. It was a hard year, 2024. It really was. It's catching up to me (｡•́︿•̀｡),,, I dunno. Things are weird, people are weird, everything's sorta... weird. It's like I told my therapist, life is a giant fuckass clock. Every interaction you have is a gear inside that clock you spin, and every gear is connected to another gear, and those gears can add up and connect to something really big and really important, and then someone gets upset with you for touching the big and important thing, but youre confused because all you did was turn one TIIIIny gear........ yeaaaah. SIGH!

Anyways, enough with the melancholy （・□・；）I played a buttload of Phantom Forces today and omfgggg i forgot how fun it is LOL. The arcade gamemodes are incredible, idk why I avoided them in the past?? Maybe bc i didn't have many good melee weapons,,, and SPEAKING OF! I rolled multiple skin cases 1 time bc i had keys and whatnot, and I shit you not... I got legendary skins for new melee weapons like 3/7 of the rolls I did V(=^･ω･^)v IT'S SOOO AWESOME.... my new epic cool weapons hehehehe

Ohhh mah gahhhh did I finally get the blog 2 work? AHHHH!!! YAY!!! It is SO barebones (like the rest of my website (￣□￣」)) but IT WORKS!!! THANK GOD LOL. I lost my old blog posts from before I changed my website layout, but that isnt tooooo bad,,, I think I'm gonna organize this by chunks of months, and have the blog posts within those months be scroll-able and divided by dividers... I'm not good w/code and even just setting this up was a TASK (＠_＠),, but uhm! I'm glad I got it to something vaguely sensible :P.

SO. How AM I doing... hmmm, I'm going with 'sure doing'! Had a nasty fight w/a friend today and have been struggling lots w my mental and physical health... the diabetes diagnosis earlier last year rlly kicked my ass! But, I recently got an insulin pump which is awesome sauce and is helping me a lot! Soon I'm going to a pain clinic to figure out whats wrong with me, fingers crossed its easily treatable!

Oh and b4 I forget, things r going steady with my girlfriend. We had some issues when my mental health was at its lowest, but I'm recovering and we made it through it together. I love her sooo much,,,, ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡